lonely night

Tonight, is one of these quiet-house evenings, when I really need a
friend, but I cannot really go out, there is nowhere I can go for
number of reasons. It is kind of lonely night.

In my mind I still live in the times and places when people are just
hanging-out in each other places, it is a normal and common thing to
do, in fact you have to have a good excuse not to get together. There
may be many bad things about living in a small town, but living close
to your friends and seeing them, is priceless. I don't have it now,
here in this large suburbs of a large city.

The usual suburb options are the bookstore, cafe, gym, in summer days
the beach, the park forest preserve, but it is late night.
I am not one of the people who are just bored: I love to write, there
are two highly addictive audio books by Scott Sigler waiting for me,
there are Netflix movies and a pile of magazines and books overdue for
reading. Finally, there is plenty of interesting and challenging work
I could do.

No, I definitely am not bored, but I miss that friendly feeling of
someone special around.

Business is war, belongs to Mars.

Today, I was reminded of how impermanent life is, thankfully it was not my skin, not directly at least.

It is really important not to get attached. One day you maybe working hard, next, the whole company gets sold, all your plans, efforts and ambitions dissolve without any warning.

Once again, don't define yourself by position, or past accomplishments, tomorrow they can be meaningless. Do your absolute best at any moment, but assume this can be the last day on this job.
The whole company could be sold behind your back. It's a war. The business belongs to Mars, he, he... literally! 

Caribou Caffee - ultimate urban escape

Today, I was meeting a Japanese exchange coworker in the Japanese restaurant I have never been in before, so I arrived early. I considered having a tea and waiting while my friend arrived. I found the restaurnt, but it was still closed, so I went to the Caribou Caffee next door. 

I am a frequent visitor of Borders and Starbucks and yes, I have been in Caribou before, but todays was different. Maybe it was a rain outside, or a really nice bartista man that set me in the mood. I got my small mocha with the chocolate-covered beans on top, I found a nice seat by the fire place on the comfy couch, the soft music played and the wood cabin decor got me hooked. All suddenly, I was in my dream house, what they called "The Third Place" - somewhere between home and work - that comfy place where you want to spend your free time.

brain power to pick up patterns...

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs
psas it on !!

I dream about life away from the rut we live in.

I want to get away and rent a cheap apartment in an old house under a red-tiled roof.
At sunrise, I want to ride a motor-bike (or an old jeep) to the deserted beach, walk for miles, dive, run, be naked, make love, feel the life, then, on the big rock eat a baguette with tomatoes, salt and pepper, and cheese, drink watered-down wine.
Spend the afternoons in a small corner cafe, reading and writing books.
Spend evenings in front of the fireplace with a cup of traditional European hot chocolate.

movie about love

Today, I have watched a movie. A beautiful, european, movie. The movie was about love and the struggle with real life issues, it was also incredibly romantic and sensual, just how the real life is. 

We all watch these movies. The romantic books seem to be ever-more popular with the women. Yet, we live in the world devoid of human feelings, in the all-too-proper, politically-correct, ice cubes chilled for the comfort of the fat, tie-sporting, sleazy salesman and the human resource vice presidents that long time ago forgot what it means to be a human. Or, worse, hypocritically screwing behind the closed doors with only the wrinkles of the dresses and untidy hairdo to tell the story. The real life is not the corporate, suburban, superficial notion of life we live here, in Prudeland. 

Let's face it; life is about the feelings of love and love is about people together, making love. Everything else is just food and shelter, and keeping yourself busy when you have no love.

The movie has stirred me inside, reminded me of who I am, and about my past, my memories and my love.

Cogito, ergo sum - Decartes

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With
our thoughts, we make our world."
- Sakyamuni Buddha, Dhammapada 2,600 years ago
People back then may not have Sony TVs, or Apple computers, but they
knew the same facts that about psychology that every self-help book
on the shelves of the Borders will tell you.
Decide to live the free and happy life and your stress will be
greatly reduced. Make your mind to success, set goals, follow them,
and you will succeed. Smile at life and to people and they will start
smiling back to you.
Definitely worth trying.

Dreams

"Most of the time my dreams have nothing to do with the good night sleep." - Uki.

embrace the change

"It is not the strongest of species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most adaptable to change."
- Charles Darwin

Forrest Preserve 17:20

My grand-grandpa Lukasik had places in his forest in Kasina, Poland, from which he always would bring a hat of mushrooms, the places that nobody knew. He also had a horse that would not be used for farming,
but for riding the surrounding mountain forests. He was a soldier in Austrian army, he had servant-workers that helped with the farm and his wife was respectable and educated, delivering babies for the whole village as many of them remember even today.

So this is all I know, I never met him, but I lived in the walls of his house and I feel the connection.

Today, I go in my spirit to him, I sit in the high steppe among the forest, not a soul around. I soak the sun low over the tree line, peaceful. I feel the warm wind mixing with the chill of the forest. I feel the connection to this surroundings, the white tail deer feeding nearby among the grasses, I feel connection to my ancestry in Kasina
I am at peace about my future.

The hum of the humanity, the cars on the road, is so distant it sounds like a quiet ocean surf, it is quieter than the cicadas and the grasshoppers.

The mosquito spray and the blanket are important to carry in one's car trunk. Nobody like the mosquitos, even when sprayed they still buzz around. Sometimes when the surroundings are as beautiful as
today, you have to learn to ignore them. They are like a lover with a cold, the can get you sick, but here they are. Be mindful it is their home your are in.

No, I did not forget to write.

The stress and worries suck out the life blood of me like mosquitoes, leaving only an etch and the desire to throw my hands in the air a run like a madman. I am at the wit's ends.

I watched tonight the movie "Girl with a Perl Earring" it is a masterpiece about the masterpiece. Life can be so beautifull, yet so sad.

Sea

.. For it is the wife as much as the need of adventure that has sent this poor o'salt to the sea ...

Driving across the Florida, by Lake Okeechobe, and listening to the "Treasure Island" by Stevenson.

Wandering
"Lovers think they're looking for each other,
but there's only one search: wandering
this world is wandering that, both inside one
transparent sky. In here
there is no dogma and no heresy.

Stretch your arms and take hold the cloth of your clothes
with both hands. The cure for pains is in the pain.
Good and bad are mixed. If you don't have both,
you don't belong with us."


I don't think I am cynical when it comes to the subject of love, or the friendships in general. Should I be?
My whole life has been like an outline of Rocky Mountains right before the dawn. The steep rising peaks and sharply falling valleys contrasting against bright horizon of the sky.
My whole life I felt deprived of love. There are not too many things I can complain about my childhood; I am thankful to my parents for the way I was raised and to God the way my life played out until now. Truly, I cannot complain about my life. Yet, at the same time ever since I can remember I was in constant search of love from others, my hopes have risen so many times and I got disappointed just as many. People, who, I hoped, would see me, the real me, inside did not, and people who should have stayed went away. Friends proved false and selfish. People that I hoped would love forever broke my heart so many times that I practically lost belief in love.
How many times did I promise love forever, how many times was I promised one? Didn't I keep that promise for years after my heart was broken? And if I did, what does it change? After all, I broke them and there is no more love in my heart for those I promised it previously. It is reality of life, but nevertheless, my word, I feel, is worthless. Hypocrisy I have spoken, sin I have committed time and time again.
So what are the friendship and the love? Is it more than a temporary alliance between couple of people as the life is trying to teach us?
I still have hopes; I would like to be young again, na�ve and full of boundless love, I don�t want to break peoples� hearts the way mine was broken, I would not want to speak hypocrisy again. I would want my few friends to see me beyond the way I look, beyond my career, ambitions, sex, religious preferences, and most of all beyond layers and layers of baggage we carry, the complexes we are having. When we strip the onion of cultural baggage we accumulated, there is the loving and caring me, full of feelings, open to others and to God.
All my life my deepest desire was to be embraced with presence of my soul mate, a friend who I could be open to my deepest feelings, and who would open likewise. My search was never sexual; it was a search for ultimate intimacy between two human beings. It hurts and bothers me when people joke and bring me to the level of primal sex; this is so much not I! I�ve been never interested in the prostitutes, or the strippers, intimacy between people should not be mistaken with sex. My search took me to a lot of people and hence the misunderstandings.

Here I stand, a disillusioned betrayer, on the beginning of new road hand-in-hand with a loving person by my side.

I ask myself what is love? Wandering?
Am I worth this test of time? Definitely not!
Will you be happy with me? Yes.

Maybe it was a sin when I promised love before and I broke that promise. A sin of lie, but I feel it would also be a greater sin to turn your back to a chance of being proven wrong.

I feel no guilt; I would not forgo anything I experienced in the past. I am grateful and humbled. I feel the weight of layers of accumulated baggage like I never felt before, my soul screams tonight and hopes that I rip my clothes off my body, go to the desert, alone, wandering, preparing to face my Beloved in the ultimate intimacy.