Wandering
"Lovers think they're looking for each other,
but there's only one search: wandering
this world is wandering that, both inside one
transparent sky. In here
there is no dogma and no heresy.

Stretch your arms and take hold the cloth of your clothes
with both hands. The cure for pains is in the pain.
Good and bad are mixed. If you don't have both,
you don't belong with us."


I don't think I am cynical when it comes to the subject of love, or the friendships in general. Should I be?
My whole life has been like an outline of Rocky Mountains right before the dawn. The steep rising peaks and sharply falling valleys contrasting against bright horizon of the sky.
My whole life I felt deprived of love. There are not too many things I can complain about my childhood; I am thankful to my parents for the way I was raised and to God the way my life played out until now. Truly, I cannot complain about my life. Yet, at the same time ever since I can remember I was in constant search of love from others, my hopes have risen so many times and I got disappointed just as many. People, who, I hoped, would see me, the real me, inside did not, and people who should have stayed went away. Friends proved false and selfish. People that I hoped would love forever broke my heart so many times that I practically lost belief in love.
How many times did I promise love forever, how many times was I promised one? Didn't I keep that promise for years after my heart was broken? And if I did, what does it change? After all, I broke them and there is no more love in my heart for those I promised it previously. It is reality of life, but nevertheless, my word, I feel, is worthless. Hypocrisy I have spoken, sin I have committed time and time again.
So what are the friendship and the love? Is it more than a temporary alliance between couple of people as the life is trying to teach us?
I still have hopes; I would like to be young again, na�ve and full of boundless love, I don�t want to break peoples� hearts the way mine was broken, I would not want to speak hypocrisy again. I would want my few friends to see me beyond the way I look, beyond my career, ambitions, sex, religious preferences, and most of all beyond layers and layers of baggage we carry, the complexes we are having. When we strip the onion of cultural baggage we accumulated, there is the loving and caring me, full of feelings, open to others and to God.
All my life my deepest desire was to be embraced with presence of my soul mate, a friend who I could be open to my deepest feelings, and who would open likewise. My search was never sexual; it was a search for ultimate intimacy between two human beings. It hurts and bothers me when people joke and bring me to the level of primal sex; this is so much not I! I�ve been never interested in the prostitutes, or the strippers, intimacy between people should not be mistaken with sex. My search took me to a lot of people and hence the misunderstandings.

Here I stand, a disillusioned betrayer, on the beginning of new road hand-in-hand with a loving person by my side.

I ask myself what is love? Wandering?
Am I worth this test of time? Definitely not!
Will you be happy with me? Yes.

Maybe it was a sin when I promised love before and I broke that promise. A sin of lie, but I feel it would also be a greater sin to turn your back to a chance of being proven wrong.

I feel no guilt; I would not forgo anything I experienced in the past. I am grateful and humbled. I feel the weight of layers of accumulated baggage like I never felt before, my soul screams tonight and hopes that I rip my clothes off my body, go to the desert, alone, wandering, preparing to face my Beloved in the ultimate intimacy.