We do not see what is, we imagine what we see based on our life memories triggered by visiual input.

I have no idea why Ji wakes me up just to change the diaper since she is up anyway to feed Lili, I guess, it is to have a company in the misery of getting up at 2 AM. No fun to get my butt off the bed.
It is really rewarding however, Liliann was such a happy baby this time, she was patient, attentive and really happy. I played with her for a little while and she really smiled looking at me and hearing daddy's voice. Such a joy! Little moments of life.

We watched "i am sam - love is all you need". Beautiful movie. So much we all can learn from it. Watch it is you have not seen it yet.

It is so interesting to see how people react to the fact that I signed up for automotive technology school. Those who know that I am a really good software engineer think that it is unfortunate. How can you go from $80K director of technology to a mechanic.

Well, the truth is, I know it already, that I will have to learn so much more to be a good mechanic than I ever did to become the programmer.

Yes, I signed up for 15 month program at Lincoln Technical Institute. School will be 4 days a week 5-11 PM, a lot of hands-on training.

Most of all, I hope, eventually, I will be able to open my own garage. Away from the rotten world of the corporations, away from the greedy MBAs, cut-throat CTOs and heartless CEOs.

I don't need to compete, suck-up, impress. I just need to do my job well and I will be able to support my family.

All the 7:30AM - 9-10PM masohism I have done for ADEXS were pointless, worthless waste of time, and most of all it hurt the people that worked for me.

I am excited like I have not been for a very long time!

Spent some time today getting friends' Website back up. Its name registration expired at Network Solutions and we had no username/password saved. What a mess! All of the info was old, phone, email, company name, even the name....

It took us whole day at the dealership, but we finally got the car for Ji's mother. We got a silver 2003 Golf GLS. I like the quality of the finish better than the Toyota Corolla.
I am suprised, actually it drives pretty well for such an underpowered car (115 hp). I wanted a TDi version but there is no way to get it and they are pricer. Nice features include quality finish, CD/stereo, sun roof, alloy wheels, ABS, tinted glass and more.

For last few days we have been shopping for a new car for Ji's mother:

Options: Honda Civic, Toyota Corolla, VW Golf/Jetta

Today's chat:

Uki: so how the 115 HP engine (Golf) will feel when I get into the car switching from 200hp Supra, or 195 HP Jeep?
Tomek: dead, I'm afraid

Well, right on!

Ann, how is it that you can bring absolutely EVERYTHING down to sex division, and to the fact that poor women are so oppressed by evil men?
Why is it so hard to accept the fact that people in USA do not care that much about soccer? People will momentarily look at the women soccer, maybe say 'cool' and then switch the channel to baseball, basketball, or football. Opposite is true in Europe, or Latin America, where people don't care much about American sports.

Now, having said that, it think it is time for introspection. I have know you for couple of years now. I don't know if you were raped, or abused, or where the seed of your problem with men-gender originates. You write countless notes about that hatred, if it is as simple as bad luck with men, there is a simple cure, avoid men you meet in the bars, drinking type, the type that hangs out in the streets, trains after midnight.
There are many men who care, who are polite, understanding, just and virtuous. They do not spend nights in the bars, or train stops at 2 AM. Look elsewhere for once.

Remember, there are millions of trashy women that counter-balance every bad man you have ever met. Mean, blood and money sucking women, we all had a dose of that... I don't believe either gender is better, we both know they are a little different, but not better, or superior (I know you might argue that).

You know I always wished you well and still do.

http://www.miserychick.net/

Lili's first days

We spend whole days dedicated to Lili; our life revolves around her now. We sleep a lot, eat, watch TV, and occasionally read a book. Then there are about 10-12 diapers a day, breastfeeding every 3 hours, every time lasting 30-45 minutes, so really every two hours.

Lili does not cry much now. We figured out her needs and are able to anticipate them, so when she starts making noises, Ji feeds her a little, then I change her diaper if needed (mostly yes), and then I feed her more. Sometimes, she falls asleep, and sometimes, we play together for a few hours.

When Lili is content, she just looks around the room, observing everything couriously, her dark-gray eyes wide open. I play with ther hands and feet, or massage her, to get the blood flowing.

Lili has a very strong grasp. I can almost lift her up by her holding on to my fingers. She can kick as well; she can move or lift her whole body with a good kick. Today, we were dancing a little to my whistling. I was supporting her underarms, and she was straightening her legs—a good exercise for her.

Life goes on slowly, but it is joyous.

Family and friends think that they should not visit us, or that we need rest and privacy. Reality is that sucks and that we would welcome some diversion, especially that Ji is not in shape to travel yet. 

We plan to go to Kentucky for a little while, a mountain countryside in the fall should do as well, it is very pictoresque there.

Ji's mother had a hissy-fit another day and was yelling at Ji. 

The issue was that Ji does not follow her advices. This morning, Ji pulled up some Korean websites about postpartum mother care and showed her that the traditional seaweed soups, et ceterum, are no longer recommended by Koearn doctors and are a thing of the past. Post-Korean war, when food was scarce, the soup of weeds, beef bones, and white rice was a treat, but now it only sticks up the kitchen and is, to say the least, poor nutrition for a young, breastfeeding mother.

I got frustrated with Ji's mother after seeing the pillows around the baby's face. I told her not to put them there previously, as they may cause the baby to fall into the SID shock.

Old habits die hard.

I have to post some back-dated notes as my life was to hectic last few days to get near the computer...

Around midnight I knew that Ji will have to have a ceasarian section. Her cervix did not dialiate more than 6.5 cm in several hours. Because the hospital was full of deliveries and Ji was rather stable and painless, we had to wait for our turn.

She was douzing off, I got a chair. Sucks! The really don't give up a shit about daddies there, for me it was a second night restless. Cold and tired.

Finally out turn came, Ji in good shape, no pain, not too stressed.
After they prep her for the operation, I got invited to the room. I had time to change over into scrubs, with hat, mask, and booties. There was a screen running over Ji's chest so she cannot see the surgery, I could see it all.

I really do not recommend anybody seeing a c-section, or any other major surgery (Ceasarian section is a common procedure, but it is considered a major surgery).

I have seen a lot of in my life, cleaning of the killed pig, deer, skinning of the rabbit, countless killings of the chicken, gutting the fish, all pretty grossing, blood never upset me too much. This was the worst! On one side there was she covered with a plastic sheet, yellow skin color, not unlike a pork-halfs. Her belly cut horizontally what seemed like hip-to-hip, spread out with a clamps. The got a baby by pushing from the top down.

At the same time Ji is awake, trying to grasp for air like a fish out of water and not getting any. Panicing. Both I and the anesteziologist (who was really good man) calming her and encouraging to relax breathing.

After the baby was out, everything was like a caleidescope, so I kind of lost perspective. I could see that baby is good and healthy instantly, she just looked strong. They clean her lightly and put ther on the scale, I took the pictures, but at the same time I was going back to Ji to confort her, she was relaxing now a little more. In the midtime they were cleaning her, having her uterus (?), totally out of the belly, like deflated valley ball bladder.
They were cleaning everything with the suction (looked like they are vaccum cleaning) and sawing her up with the stiches inside. After that two nurses counted the instruments, which took a while. Doctors rinced her belly one more time after which one was holding the skin todether and another put in 13 metal staples. The deal was over.

Within an hour Ji got to hold the baby in the recovery room and after that she was moved upstairs to sleep, I also went home to sleep as I was falling off my feet. I fell asleep 4 time driving home, but I made it, slep until 5 PM!

Ji slept whole day too, with the break for baby feeding. We spent the evening quietly enjoying that all worked out well. The baby was absolutely beatiful, nobody could ask for more!

Wednesday September 3, 2003

The night was horrific, Ji was crying outloud every 6 minutes, neither of us got much sleep. We went to the hospital again at 1100. At about 1500 she decided to take epidural, after that she bacame quite comfortable. The nurse was giving adding a drug to her IV to increase contractions, they went from 2 mg/hr. to 24 mg/hr. At 2200 she got one very long 4-to-5 minute contraction. The normal contractions last from 60 to 90 seconds. When there is a contraction, since baby head is pointing down, the baby is being squizzed and her pulse is dropping from 130s to 80s. It is OK for a moment but not too long. Suddenly 4 doctors rushed to the room, gave Ji a shot to relax muscles. The side effect of the drug is that makes mother's heart run fast. So here is Ji with 4 doctors running around, her heart racing, she got the skeletal muscles' spasms, so she is shaking on the bed, stressed out and awake, not fun. The calmed down everything eventually.

We wasted a day in the hospital just to get a boot and to be told to come back either with the baby on hand, when the waters break, or when she is hurting so bad that she cannot talk.

So much for the contractions every 6 minutes since late morning today.

Labor Day came and is gone and no sight of the baby.

I spent hours watching motorcycle buildups on the Discover channel. Also reading about Chevy small block re-building.

We got up in the early morning after a night of constant wake-ups. The baby is really pushing down now so she has to go pee frequently. There were also the first signs of labor coming up. Cramps and blood-spots, but it could be actual days before baby is out. Hopefully soon. Going shopping for few more items to "babies'r us". I had to throw away the handled down crib. She wanted it washed, so I did, what we did not know it was made of light-weight paper that came apart in water.

The day is almost out and baby is not even thinking about coming out. I have read thru couple of chapters of "What To Expect - The First Year".
Ji has been very calm today, no stress showing. Her belly, about 42-43 inches, did not prevent her from spending of three hours in the hair saloon getting her hair nice and curly. Mama is looking good! She has been asleep for a while now.
Time to go sleep and rest. Maybe tomorrow, the Labor Day, will live up to its name.